Part 6. Marriage, Headship, sexuality and divorce

Marriage, Headship and Divorce

The fact that in the New Testament we find prophetesses and other women involved in Christian ministry shows that women can be involved in Christian ministry. Even the fact that eldership in the New Testament churches was exclusively for men does not mean that having women as elders is forbidden. Again here the overarching philosophy by which we have to live and act even in the church is the Law of Christ. It does not violate the law of Christ to have women as elders in a culture where this is acceptable. However, to impose women elders in a culture where this is a very senstive issue and would bring unnecessary division in the church would be a violation of the Law of Christ.   

The New Testament teaching on headship also needs to be studied from this perspective.  God's word is very clear: The husband is the head of the family just as Christ is the head of the church. It is not culture which determines the roles within the family but these roles are exemplified in Christ Himself and in His relationship with the church. The wife should therefore submit to the husband voluntarily and out of love just as the church submits to Christ voluntarily and out of love.  No amount of arguing, feminist theology or populist gender-war campaigning can change this truth. The truth of God's word has never been a matter of democracy. 

Before we talk more about submission lets stress that the Biblical ideal is equality: Honor God and submit to one-another (Ephesians 5:21). While children are told to honor their parents, implying a respectful obedient attitude of a dependant to his or her caregivers. However, husbands and wives are not told to honor the one-another but told to honor God by submitting to one-another. Submission is not subjugation but is in humility putting the other first.

In most societies, and certainly in the society Paul was addressing from the moment of birth, children are taught to defer to maternal authority. Since the first six years of a human beings life are the most formative years a result males are socialized to defer to the female authority and females are socialized to expect males to defer to them as the 'mother'. Therefore to stress the need for equality in the relationship Paul puts more emphasis on the need for women to submit as well to the husband as for her it would not be as natural to do so as that it would be for the husband. In some other extremely patriarchal societies today the opposite may be true. So in such a case we may have to stress more that husbands also need to submit and that there should be equality in the relationship.

As mentioned above submission is not the same as subjugation: It does not mean that one has to agree with everything the other demands or that one has to do everything our partner tells us to do. Submission of a husband to his wife means that he respects her in her role as the mother in the house and submission of the wife to the husband simply means that she shows respect for the fatherly and priestly leadership role God has entrusted to the man within the family. It does not mean a man is any more valuable or more important than a woman, it simply means that they have been given different roles. This division of roles goes back to Genesis where God puts Adam in charge as a servant-leader under God and provides a wife to support and help him. The wife is to submit to her husband in all things just as the Church is to submit to Christ in all things (Ephesians 5:24).  Now again this is qualified by other New Testament teaching, namely that it is more important to obey God than man. Practically this means that the woman only submits to her husband as long as this agrees with her obedience to God and the Law of Christ. 

Nevertheless the law of love demands that even if a husband is weak, struggling to live up to the biblical ideal, imperfect or even an unbeliever, the woman must seek to please God by trying to win her husband over through kindness, humility and respect for his leadership role.  If the husband is lacking in faith or anything, the wife should not rebel or abandon him or resort to manipulation or nagging, instead she should win him over by humility and positive Christ-likeness (1 Peter 3:1-4).  The (perceived) wrongs or inadequacies of one marriage partner is never an excuse for wrongdoing on the part of the other partner. Two wrongs never make a right, and we are each first and foremost accountable to God for obeying Him. Having said this, being submissive does not mean being a doormat, instead is about having a humble and respectful attitude.  By being humble and respectful to her husband a wife honors and glorifies God.  Humility and respect does not mean that the wife cannot disagree with her husband but the manner in which it is done should glorify God. The headship of the husband does not mean he should not allow his wife to take the lead, but he cannot abscond from his God given responsibility to still protect her (even against herself) and the children. He is still accountable to God to ensure that everything that happens in the family is brought under the headship of Christ and in agreement with His Law.

Believing husbands must put Christ first and seek to emulate Him. The self-understanding of Christ is 'I am gentle and humble of heart' and He adds 'learn from me' (Mt. 11:29; 1 Cor. 10:1).   Therefore, just as Christ is not dictatorial and aggressive in his headship of the church so the husband should not be dictatorial and aggressive in his headship of the family. He should instead emulate the self-giving, self-sacrificing loving nature of Christ (Eph. 5:21-33). A husband should be loving and gentle in the way he deals with his wife, even if she is nagging or rebellious, but without giving in to what is wrong (1 Peter 3:7).  A Christian wife should not abuse a gentle and kind Christ-like husband but equally treat him with gentleness, humility and respect in obedience to Christ.  As many males have learned to defer to maternal authority since childhood it can be very tempting for a woman to keep him in that position and treat him as a big child. However, doing so is not respectful and does not contribute to equality in the relationship. She will do better in being a true helpmate to her husband and help him become the confident Christ-like man and protective father he ought to be. She should not try to control everything as this shows a lack of faith in God and it harms her husband by keeping him small and subdued. So doing she would violate the Law of Christ.   

In several matriarchal/matri-linear societies around the world (now also increasingly in the West) it is common to come across husbands who are only the head of the family in name but not in reality. They are kept under tight control by their wives who use their sexuality as a means to control and manipulate their husbands. This scenario does not live up to the picture of Christ and His church as the ideal example to follow for us to live a happy married life. The wife should truly respect her husband in his God given leadership role out of reverence to Christ.

God's guidelines in the New Testament are an expression of His enormous love for us and they should be followed out of our love for Him and not out of a sense of duty or co-ercion. This does not mean that exceptions are not possible as long as the higher Law of Christ is not violated! Sometimes exceptional circumstances force us to settle for less than the biblical ideal. In fact sometimes love demands it: For example if a husband is incapacitated mentally, psychologically, physically the wife may have to take the lead in the family. Not as something to be followed as an example by everyone but as an exception. However, even in such cases she is to treat the husband respectfully and lovingly and not push him around or use him as a doormat. Other situations may occur during the prolonged absence of a husband, for example if he is away on an oil rig or as part of the crew on a ship. We should not condemn such women as not being submissive or as disobedient to their husbands. They are simply filling the gap in a less than ideal situation.  Nevertheless such a concession should not be used as an excuse for a husband to be negligent or irresponsible and put all or most of the responsibility of his household on the shoulders of his wife. A husband ought to love his wife and love does not do such a thing.

Human Sexuality

In the beginning God created man in his own image, male and female he created them (Genesis 1:27) and he told them to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28). The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman, ' for she was taken out of man." For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame (Genesis 2:20-25).

It is important to notice that the author of Genesis reminds us that God created humankind male and female and that both are image-bearers of God. By virtue of being both created in God’s image there is an inherent equality in value, importance and purpose. However, equality and value, importance and purpose does not mean equality in the functions and role they are given by God.  It is clear from the Genesis text that although God created all things good, including man, God concluded that in terms of the task God had given to the man, it is not good for him to be alone, he needs help. God then created the woman out of the man so that he had a helper and a companion.  The assistance the man needs from the woman is more than assistance in multiplication, the word ‘help-mate’ implies a lot more than that.  There is the important aspect of companionship and the important aspect of a man leaving his father and mother and clinging to his wife. This implies that the woman has the important task of assisting her husband to become independent from his parents, to learn to stand strong on his own with her help.  

One of the ways a woman helps her husband to leave his father and mother is through the very powerful means of sexual intimacy.  The author of Genesis describes this bond as becoming one flesh. It is a bond which is formed when a husband and wife choose to be exclusively vulnerable and naked before one-another. It suggests the formation of a strong emotional bond, strong enough for a man to leave his parental home.  Recent scientific studies have shown how during sexual activity the body produces bonding-hormones which help us bond to a partner and that sexual activity with different persons actually reduces our ability to bond emotionally.  This is not to say that God cannot heal our damaged bonding capacity but it does explain why in the beginning God created one woman for one man.  So while the Bible does not explicitly forbid polygamy, it does present one husband and one wife as the God created ideal.

We must keep in mind that Gd did not create everything for reasons of productivity but that He also provides everything for our enjoyment (1 Tim. 6:17). This includes our sexuality! A whole book is provided in the Bible which celebrates the beauty of love, romance and sexuality, namely song-of-songs. Therefore Paul reminds those of us who are married to make our bodies available to our spouse, the wife's body belongs to the husband and the husband's body belongs to the wife (1 Cor. 7:3-4). Because our sexuality makes us very vulnerable it is not acceptable for married christians to withold sex from the other, either to punish or manipulate or even for a seemingly good reason, such a thing would be very unloving and also exposes people to temptation (1 Cor. 7:5).  

It therefore also follows that promiscuity and other forms of sexual abuse is out of bounds as it damages our bonding capacity for bonding with our marriage partners.  In the same way unfaithfulness in marriage damages ability to bond.  

Divorce and Sexual trauma

Unfortunately in this fallen world many men and women have been victims of sexual abuse and this has damaged their physical and emotional bonding capacity which affects their ability to maintain healthy relationships.  Those of us who have experienced sexual abuse should not underestimate its impact but seek healing in Christ. With the help of loving and supportive brothers and sisters in Christ we can find deliverance and healing by bringing into the light what was done in darkness. 

Often victims have internalized the evil of the perpetrators and spend a lot of energy trying to keep this evil under control as it is a source of feelings of self-hatred, self-loathing, feeling inadequate, feeling unworthy and so on.  However, if left un-dealt with sooner or later this evil will find a way to express itself in later crisis situations which function as triggers. The suppressed generalized hatred, resentment, aggression and rejection will sooner or later find a scapegoat and often this is someone close to us, someone we actually love.  

Other forms of trauma can have similar effects but early-childhood sexual trauma is perhaps the most devastating in its effect, especially if the perpetrators and by-standers were the very people who were supposed to protect him and her.  The capacity to trust, receive love and affection is often much reduced. 

When someone suddenly divorces his wife or her husband in a situation where there is clearly no adultery or gross neglect, violence or abuse, we should keep the above in mind and avoid communicating condemnation to either of the partners but carefully probe beneath the service. He or she may have walked around with terrible secrets and pain and is simply not (yet) able to be a marriage partner. However, Christ can bring healing if we allow Him access.

The above does not negate biblical teaching on divorce but it should make us cautious not to judge to quickly, let alone accuse, condemn and reject, this is not in agreement with the Law of Christ.
 
Divorce regulations

When Jesus states that one should not divorce his wife unless she has committed adultery (Matt. 5:32) He is addressing a specific issue in Israel which was very hot at the time and subject to lots of debate, namely that one could easily divorce a woman for no reason at all. Jesus, therefore, states that no-one should divorce his wife unless she committed adultery. He did not talk about cases where wives divorce their husbands or cases where both agree to divorce. 

The apostle Paul in applying the law of Christ says that Christians should not divorce but if someone’s unbelieving partner decides to divorce one must not oppose it, but one should not take the initiative to do so (1 Cor. 7:10-16).  If an unbeliever decides to leave then the believer is not bound and free to remarry. I understand believer here as someone who consistently walks in the way of Christ and not just someone who confesses to be a believer but is full of sin, disobedience, un-forgiveness, hate and bitterness. Such a person may have an outward religious appearance of being a believer but his or her actions show that this is not the case. 

Some of the instructions of Paul in 1 Cor. 7 are open to interpretation but it seems that Paul seems to allow also for exceptional situations where even genuine believers may get to a point that they cannot resolve issues between the two of them. These may together decide to separate (have a time out) in order to deal with issues on their own. They should not use this as an opportunity to re-marry but stay separate until ready to reconcile.  

We must also consider as unbelievers those men and women who claim to be believers but by deliberate and consistent disobedience to God’s instructions demonstrate that their faith is not genuine.  This would include men or women who systematically and consistently physically or verbally abuse their partners or their children as well as those who persist in deliberate disobedience to God’s word.  We may also think of those who insist on divorcing their partners for other reasons than adultery or gross abuse. However, we must keep in mind that in some cases deeper issues need to be addressed (abuse/trauma) and we should never be quick to judge or make decisions in these matters. The Bible also considers those who refuse to provide for their relatives in need, and especially for members of their household, as having denied the faith and as worse than unbelievers (1 Tim. 5:8). 

In doubt about such matters we should leave judgment and arbitration to mature leaders in Gods church who have consistently demonstrated that they are full of the Holy Spirit by living  a life of love and compassion for God and their fellow humans. These have the right to judge in accordance with the Law of Christ and forgive, or hold guilty. They may after careful investigation and after repeated attempts to foster repentance and reconciliation decide to hold someone bound and accountable, or to declare someone innocent and free (Matt. 18:15-20).

Among Gods people we may also encounter those who have divorced their partners for the wrong reasons and have later married someone else so that reconciliation with their former partner has become impossible. Such people are not to be excluded from Christian fellowship if they have acknowledged their wrongs and have repented. Divorce as sad and painful as it is for all concerned is not an unforgivable sin! 


Homosexuality

The issue of homosexuality has become a hotly debated issue in most of Western Europe and North America and because we live in a global village it also affects the rest of the world. Just as in every other issue we have discussed so far we must avoid allowing emotions taking the upper hand and look at the issues at hand from the perspective of Christ and His teachings.  To start with I want to make a distinction between homophilia and homosexuality. Etymologically, 'homophile' is derived from two Greek words - 'homo', meaning 'the same', and 'philos', meaning 'friend'.  In the Greek 'eros' is used to signify 'sexual love', so for our discussion homo-philos/homophilia should be taken to signify non-sexual brotherly love between people belonging to the same gender.  In the Bible we find several examples of homophilia, we can think of the close friendship between David and Jonathan or between Jesus and John.  Hetero-philia in contrast refers to non-sexual brotherly love for someone of the opposite gender. The majority of people are both homophiliacs and heterophiliacs, not to be confused with being bi-sexual which refers to someone indulging in both hetero and homosexual acts. Some people have very strong feelings of homophilia and less or no feelings of heterophilia. This can have biological or psychological causes, but may also be culturally conditioned or simply be a matter of choice and personal preference. Studies have shown that homosexuality occurs more where women and men are kept separate as in some repressive cultures or in prisons or in the army. It also is more common in matriarchal societies where the role of the man/father is not clear and males are treated like irresponsible adult children. As Christians, regardless of how strong our feelings may be, we have the responsibility to act in brotherly love towards every human being regardless of sexual orientation..

Homosexuality is a very different issue from homophilia as it refers to sexual or romantic acts or feelings, or thoughts between humans of the same sex. While the Bible nowhere condemns homophilia, it does condemn homosexual acts, both in the Old Testament and in the New Testament. Homosexual acts are a violation of the Law of Christ as from the beginning of the created order it has always been God’s intention that sexuality is something to be enjoyed between a husband and his own wife; and between a woman and her own husband. They are to be united sexually as one-flesh which is meant to be so much more than just mutual physical pleasure and include deep and increasing emotional bonding. A life-enhancing and life-giving union of souls, just as the church is meant to live in life-giving union with Christ.  Scripture therefore teaches it is good for very man to have his own wife and vice versa. Our biological make up also testifies to the intention of our Creator for men and women to be united sexually.  Any sexual act outside the bonds of marriage is in violation of the created order and as such violates the Law of Christ.  Any sexual act outside the bonds of marriage is in fact sexual exploitation of the human body.  Now notice that the Bible does not tell us that homosexual acts are worse than any other sin, or that those who commit such acts are worse sinners than we are.  Such sentiments violate the Law of Christ! Nevertheless the Bible warns us in love that sexual sin violates our bodies and as such the consequences of sexual sin might be worse than with some other sins.  

Part 5. Christ, Church and Israel

Christ and Israel in the Last days

A few contemporary issues are as controversial and divisive as the relationship between Church and Israel.  That is the body of Christ and ethnic and national Israel as those Jews who have put their faith in Christ are part of the body of Christ, the Church of God.  Reflecting on this relationship our theological starting point should not be what any theologian in European church history has written, how good as this may be, but in biblical theology, and in particular the person, ministry and teachings of Christ. 

In the letter to the Hebrews the author states that while in the past God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son whom He appointed heir of all things, and through whom He made the universe (Hebrews 1:1-2).  This statement implies that our first and foremost focus should be on Christ as in these last days God has spoken to us. The words last days also implies that eschatologically speaking the last days have been inaugurated with the coming of Christ. This of course agrees with Peter’s speech in Acts 2:14-41 where he reminds his predominantly Jewish hearers of the prophecy of Joel and explains that the Pentecost event as well as the coming and ministry of Christ, and his death and resurrection and exaltation to ruling on David’s throne (Vs. 30) is all part of the fulfilment of Joel 2:28-32.  The coming of Christ then inaugurated the last days and these last days find their culmination and completion at the second coming of Christ. In the meantime Christ rules on David’s throne, bringing new life to all who put their trust in Him while at the same time actively putting all his enemies under his feet (1 Cor. 15:22-28; Hebrews 1:3-4, 13).

The writer to the Hebrews also states that the Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of His being (Hebrews 1:3).  We take this to mean that there is no greater revelation of who God is, no more complete explanation of who God is and what He requires, than what we find in the person, ministry and teachings of Christ.  All other revelation, through prophets or apostles as recorded in Scripture or any form of contemporary revelation will therefore be always incomplete and will need to be understood and interpreted from the perfect and complete revelation which we have in Christ.  In terms of hermeneutics Christ, his person, his character, his ministry and his teaching is ‘the hermeneutical key’ by which we should interpret the rest of Scripture. How His own disciples interpreted and applied Christ in their context as reflected in the New Testament writings is thereby great importance and provides us with examples to emulate.  How others at a later stage in church history interpreted and applied Christ in and to their context we consider as of lesser importance although still useful.  In terms of setting the right priorities it is illustrative to consider that Christ told his (all Hebrew/Jewish by ethnic background) disciples that their task now (in these last days) is to make disciples of all nations (ethne – non-Jews), teaching them to obey everything Christ had instructed them (Mt. 28:18-20). 

In Mt. 28:18-20 Christ as the one with all authority in heaven on earth (reigning on David’s throne) is pre-eminent and His teaching is paramount and people from all nations are called to become disciples of Him and His teaching.  The teachings of Christ do not so much constitute another set of religious rules which need to be followed legalistically but rather is a matter of a philosophy of life as summarized in the Great Commandment (Mark 12:29-31) while its praxis is illustrated in the story of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37). It is a philosophy which we can only understand, embrace and put into practice with the help of the Holy Spirit which is given to all those who by faith in Christ have been reconciled to God and have been born again, baptised into a new body, the body Christ (Rom. 3:21-26; 1 Cor. 12:13). 

The body of Christ is the true Church of God and does not consist of visible organizational structures, human made regulations or any other human construct, but consist of both Jew and Gentile, and people of all walks of life, who are in Christ as a result of having put their faith in Him for salvation and having become His disciples (1 Cor. 12:13).  Within this body of Christ there is no distinction any more between Jew and Gentile, male or female, slave or free (Gal. 3:26-29).  This body of Christ is being build into a temple for God’s glory consisting of Jew and Gentile as in Christ the two who were formerly apart are in Christ not only reconciled to God, but also to one-another, taking away the former hostility (Ephesians 2:18-21).  Those who belong to Christ are Abraham’s seed and therefore heirs to the promises of God whether they are Jew or Gentile, slave or free or any other earthly status (Gal. 3:28-29). 

In terms of the Law of Moses, Christ did not abolish the law, not an iota of it during His ministry on earth (Mt. 5:18). He states that its requirements are just and we are not to deviate even from its smallest regulation (Mt. 5:19).  This highlights the truth that nobody except the Christ was ever able to consistently obey the law. Everyone else is a law breaker and therefore the law could not justify anyone (Gal. 2:16). Christ, however, fulfilled all the requirements of the law (Mt. 5:17) and redeemed us from the curse of the law (Gal. 3:13-14) which is upon everyone who does not fully obey the law (Gal. 3:10).  However, by being in Christ, born again into his being part of His body, being clothed with Him we share in his perfection and thus share in His fulfilment of the law.  By fulfilling the requirements of the law Christ did abolish the law in His flesh (Eph. 2:15), not in the sense of rejecting the law but by making us into a new humanity which is no longer under the law of Moses, but now under the law of Christ.  

 By faith we have died with Christ, being baptized into His death (Rom. 6:3-10), therefore the law no longer has authority over us as we have died to the law through the body of Christ (Rom. 7:4). Consequently, we are released from the law so that we may serve in the new way of the Spirit who helps us follow the Law of Christ characterised by love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23) and not in the old way of the written code (Rom. 7:6).

From the above perspective both that part of ethnic Israel which has not yet put their faith in Christ, whether they live in national Israel or not, as well as people from all other nations who have not put their faith in Christ should be the focus of our ministry of reconciliation (2 Cor. 5:14-21). Compelled by His love we are calling all people to be reconciled to God in Christ and in Christ also becoming reconciled to one-another in one Body.  He is the Good Shepherd of Israel who is bringing his sheep from the other pen who were not of his sheep-pen Israel, but reconciling them in Himself, he makes them one flock under One Shepherd (John 10:14-16; Eph. 2:14-15).

May He help us to faithfully participate with Him in His Mission of reconciliation to the world and not get hindered by divisive quarrels about the law, ethnic identities and speculation about God is involved in the political establishment and the manoeuvres of the nations.